From: Kathe Roper May 26, 1999 Disclaimer: Don’t own Senor Jonny or any other member of the illustrious Quest Team. Don’t own Wal-Mart, Senor Sam Walton does. Britney Spears belongs to whomever she belongs to. All sarcasm and general nastiness belong to me. No real people or bottles of hair gel were harmed in the making of this fic. Enjoy! Category: Humor Rating: PG/PG-13 Archivers: Take it if you want it. Danger Will Robinson! Danger! There be major sarcastic and scathing humour ahead! If you don't like to see the team made fun of then you might want to stay way from this story. For those you you who remember (and actually enjoy my humor) you're in for a treat, I think ^.^. Wally World Strikes Back!! by Kathe Roper (kathreele@earthlink.net) The mid-day sun shone brightly over the asphalt parking lot of the local Super Wal-Mart. Waves of heat radiated up from the black top and sixteen year old Jonny Quest could have sworn that the soles of his sneakers were going to melt on impact. Aside from the impending doom of his prized Vans, Jonny had more serious issues on his mind. Wal-Mart. The bastion of Southern Red Necks everywhere, Super Wal-Mart was ten times worse, or so he had heard. Being the son of a famous and wealthy scientist had it’s perks, one of them being never having to step foot in some place like Wal-Mart. These were the only places that he feared to tread. Aliens, giant birds, evil spirits? No problem. Fishing bait and numerous sorts of beauty products on the other hand… What could he expect to find waiting inside that commercially institutional façade? Race Bannon had fears of his own as they approached the Super-Wal Mart. It was one of his most precious secrets, more precious than his Little Black Book. He had been a Wal-Mart Shopper for years. He knew the floor plans by heart, knew every nook and cranny of the tackle aisle; besides, that’s where he could get his occasional pack of Red Man chewing tobacco without being looked at like a pariah. He had become so well known, especially in this particular store, that they knew him by name. He couldn’t let the rest of the team, his daughter especially, know his dirty little secret. Jessie, meanwhile, had concerns of her own. How was she going to acquire the product that she desperately needed without any one else finding out about it? Her father would kill her if he ever got wind of it. ‘It’s all Jonny’s fault!’ she thought, clenching her fists. I told him that we should have used some kind of protection, but noooo, he wanted to go ‘au natural’. ‘I should have listened to Mom,’ she muttered to herself. The remaining two members of the team, Dr. Quest and Hadji Singh, were frankly looking forward to their first trip to Wal-Mart. Dr. Quest wanted to try out all the new video equipment (and maybe watch the Britney Spears video) and generally see how the other half lived. Hadji wanted to visit the infamous craft section of the store, and maybe check out the toy section. He had been dying to get a Teletubbie doll for months and figured this would be the perfect chance to indulge. With the squeaky opening of the doors to Super Wal-Mart each member of the Quest Team bravely faced their respective missions. Race promptly donned a pea-picker hat out of no where and tried to duck past Candi, the greeter. She had a thing for the athletic white haired man, and she would be able to spot him in a second. He ducked down behind a group of whining five year olds and ventured into the store with them. “I’ll meet up with you guys outside,” Jessie told Hadji as she headed off for the “personal hygiene” section. “Wonder what that’s all about,” Hadji said to himself before heading on his own to the craft aisle. He had a date with the Puff Paint and yarn. Jonny, not having any particular place to go, trekked quickly off in the direction of Home and Garden. Maybe he could find some life threatening snakes or bugs around the plants. Then the trip wouldn’t be such a total loss. Besides, who ever went to the plant department anyway? Noticing that everyone was disappearing rather quickly Dr. Quest tried to retain some control over the situation the only way he knew how. “Now you kids stay out of trouble,” he yelled after them. “Good job Benton, way to look after the kids…” he muttered to himself. Shaking the thought off he made way around screaming kids and red necks on the way to the music section. If he was lucky they would have the new Backstreet Boys CD in as well. Little did the Quest Team realize just how extraordinary this trip into society would be. “Julia, are you sure you have this rigged correctly?” Dr. Jeremiah Surd whined absently to his ever faithful assistant. “Yes, Jeremiah. Everything is secure. Just push the button and the overthrusters will kick in. You’ll be able to take out Bannon with one pass. Just bum rush him.” Julia shook her head. For all of Surd’s intelligence he could never seem accomplish anything without her. Nevermind the fact that he was in a supped up wheel chair, he just was too pathetic in the first place to ever make a half way decent villain. Julia found herself daydreaming more and more of Janus, that sexy Cossak who really was a former British agent. Now that was a villain! But she had tossed her chips in with Jeremiah long ago. If only she could help him succeed just once, then she would be free to pursue other offers. “But are you sure it will work?” Surd had long ago given up his dream of world domination or what have you, not it was just petty and vindictive pranks played out on the Quest Team, Bannon especially. “Yes, Jeremiah. It will work. Now just sit still and be quiet.” Surd was hidden behind a giant display of Lion King videos waiting for his chance to get Bannon. Julia was waiting safely in house wares where she appeared to be intensely comparing crock pots. “Nickelodeon Slime Toothpaste, vibrating tooth brushes,” Jessie muttered to herself. What the hell was going on with products today she wondered. Whatever happened to good old blue toothbrushes and nasty bubble gum flavored toothpaste? “Ginseng floss, Ginko Biloba eye drops…” Then she spied it at the end of the aisle, her Holy Grail of the day. It was amazing that such a little thing could restore everything back to normal. “Wandering Jew, Bird of Paradise, Fern,” Jonny Quest read the names off several of the plants he came across in the “Vegetation Department”. He stopped and admired the grotesque fountains that were on display before becoming extremely bored. No life threatening animal species in this Wal-Mart. He was going have to resort to other measures to amuse himself until it was time to go. “Ladies Lingerie anyone?” he grinned evilly. The stunning physique of Race Bannon was currently poised behind a large display of Ronald McDonald Children’s Wear. “This is just too humiliating,” he whispered in the Hamburgler's ear. “I should just come out of the closet and admit my true identity!” With that he stood up and was promptly beaned with a bag of Cheese Doodles that some irreverent five year old had chucked out of his mother’s shopping cart. Recovering quickly, Race reconsidered his earlier affirmation and decided to stick it out behind good ol’ Ronald. Dr. Benton Quest trekked with cat like stealth into the Electronics Department. It was his good fortune that some kid was whining to his father and therefore afforded Benton with a distraction. There it was, shining like a beacon in the night, the display for the new Backstreet Boys CD, “Millennium”. He was loath to admit it but those infectious beats struck a chord with him. This was youth at it’s ab-rubbing, wind machine best. He swiped a copy from the display and quickly continued to the video monitor where the video for “Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears was playing continuously. “There’s something hypnotic about that girl,” Benton said to no one in particular. “She’s so cute, yet…” “Yet there’s this feeling that she’s a Kama Sutra master?” finished a young man in his twenties, that was also transfixed by Miss Spears. Benton turned and sure enough there were five young men, all in their early 20s, all staring at Britney in her “Catholic School Girl” glory. There was also one very annoyed young woman, the same age as the guys, standing just behind them tapping her foot and muttering what must have been a very impressive string of obscenities. Benton tapped one of the young men on the shoulder, “Umm, do you belong to her?” he asked, motioning to the aforementioned young woman. “Yeah, so?” “You might want to stop watching now, that look is never a good thing…” But it was too late, the annoyed young woman with flaming red hair had already summarily dragged away her male friends from the display and heading toward the candy aisle. Benton’s attention returned to the video though, he knew he should leave before someone spotted him but those damn pink things on Britney’s head had transfixed him somehow. Dr. Jeremiah Surd watched with satisfaction. Miss Spears was a faithful little minion of his “dark side”. It appeared that not even the famous Dr. Quest could resist those pink thing-a-ma-bobs on her head. Good, his plan was working flawlessly…Now he would just have to wait for the right moment! “For the love of Pete! All they have is little fuzzy bunnies!” Hadji shook his fists with anger. “All they have is fuzzy little bunnies, nothing cool like…” Hadji Singh stood dejected in the craft aisle of Wal-Mart. There, sheltered between the dress patterns and silk flowers the young man was ranting against the forces that seemed to perpetually stock the shelves with needle point patterns of fuzzy bunnies and goofy looking flowers. Giving up he turned his attention to the Puff Paint. “Ah! Magenta Glitter!” he sighed with relief. At least one thing today had turned out in his favor, now on to if he could at last procure a La La of his very own. That way he wouldn’t have to hear Jonny whine when Hadji would “borrow” his. Jonny was busy with a lace bra on his head when he noticed a familiar looking wheel chair stuck behind a Lion King display. He ventured out of the clothing department, bra still in place, to get a better look at the occupant of the chair. “Surd!” he whispered hoarsely. What was he doing here? Whatever was going on, Jonny had to find Race and the others so they could foil Surd’s evil plans, whatever they might be. He was off like a shot. Before any of the Quest Team members, in their respective areas of the store, could blink an eye they heard the voice of Jonny floating over the PA system. “Race, Dad,” Jonny paused for breath, “Jess, Hadji….IT’S SURRRRDD!!” There was never any documented evidence that Jonny was a genius. At once Surd’s plan was foiled but by golly, he was still going through with it. He pushed the little red button for the rocket propulsion system on his chair and sped off like greased lightning for the Ronald McDonald display where Race was still recovering from the random bag of Cheese Doodles. Through a cloud of orange synthetic cheese dust, Race watched as Surd drew closer and closer. His instincts took over and automatically threw the bag of Cheese Doodles at Surd’s wheels. They were instantly locked by the rock hard Doodles and Surd’s chair went flying. Race witnessed Surd flying toward the Ladies dressing room. He figured that was payment enough for his little scheme, until the authorities could arrive that is. “Dr. Benton Quest, could you please report to Customer Service to retrieve your son?” a monotone voice called over the PA system. Surd’s spell was broken, Benton was free of Britany, for the time anyway. He made his way to the Service desk to retrieve his son. He met Hadji on the way, proudly carrying his beloved La La in his arms. Race walked away from the wheel chair-Cheese Doodle wreckage with an admiring group of women at his heels. “Now ladies, there’s plenty to go around…” Jessie grabbed the box of V05 Hot Oil from the shelf, it looked like her free time was coming to an end. At least now she could repair her hair from the damage it had undergone when she had been convinced by Jonny to go swimming without a cap on. On her way out from the aisle she quickly grabbed a bottle of black hair dye. That would get Jonny back for ruining her hair! Just a normal day of shopping for the Quest Team at Wal-Mart. A satisfied Julia walked calmly out of Wal-Mart that fine day. Her life with Jeremiah was over, she was now free to work as a free agent. She walked over to the phone and quickly dialed a number that she had undoubtedly memorized. “Janus? Do you still have a place for me?” she asked sweetly. It was going to be a fun summer in Moscow. FIN -- "...She is the most conniving, double-crossing, devious woman I have ever met. We have to have children together." ~Berg Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Campaign 2000 is here! http://www.onelist.com Discuss your thoughts; get informed at ONElist. See our homepage.