From: The Puck GOOD FIC has a wee bit O JJHR so :P ANGST WARNING!!!!! Category, Angst and realism From: mistresspuck To: JQML@onelist.com Subject: Alone inside pt 1 Date: Sun, 9 May 1999 Alone Inside The year 1998, June 9th, 11:08AM Outside Flowers Hospital Psychiatric ward. Conditions: Wet, rainy, all the flowers are dying, but that is not the only thing dying. Jonny Quest is dying. Inside. He is waiting for his monthly session with Dr. Handel to begin. . . The girl across the room looked at the magazine, but I knew she wasn't reading it. I reached over to get one myself, she turned and smiled at me with her endless green eyes. She had blonde hair and green eyes. I looked through the PEOPLE magazine and was surprised. Clinton had admitted to having certain 'relations' with Monica Lewinski. Even after he was relived of his position as president, he was still fighting Monica and Paula Jones. 'Poor guy.' I thought. The receptionist called me to the dr.'s office. I walked in silence, the sleeves of my dress shirt rolled up and tucked neatly into my jeans. The old woman directed me into the office and I shook the dr.'s hand. I was surprised at how much he looked like my late father. He told me to sit down on the leather couch next to the bookshelf. He turned on his little recorder and, like usual, told me to start talking about what I had done to help my self. I told him I had gone to "Happy Hour" at the pub. He nodded. I started crying like I did usually and like usual, he told me to let it all go. He made some notes down in his journal and tapped my head with his pencil. I stiffened and apologized. He handed me a foam rubber NERF bat and stood up. he tapped his head and told me to hit him. I took a step back and before I swung he said "I want you to hit me like I am the one who killed her." I imagined Hadji's face and swung as hard as I could. I put the power of hatred into my forearms, and swung at his head. On the way to the main building I apologized for breaking his jaw. He scribbled down a note that said I owed four dollars for the nerf bat and ten dollars for the broken window. I again apologized. He waved his hand and told me that I was progressing very fast, and sooner or later, I would forget about her. Not her. I would never forget her. Her ruby red hair and lips to match. Green eyes sparkling as she told me she was expecting. I remembered the man in the morgue asking me if it was her I saw on the slab. I wanted to shake my head and say, "No, my wife is at home making dinner." and walk away, but I knew that it wasn't true. The slight bulge in her stomach knotted my throat in a thousand places. Her lipstick the only thing that was keeping her soft lips going blue with the chill of death. Her hair brittle and stiff. Her light blue dress smattered with blood. I remembered seeing her there, with our child dead within her and knew I could not, would not, forget her. All I had were pictures and faded memories, but I knew her spirit was with me. Her laughter was not forgotten nor were her smiles and soft touches. The memory of our last lovemaking was so fresh in my mind, I thought that some night, she would come back home, back to our one floor house in a friendly neighborhood, back into my arms, but I knew it was just a memory. With my brother in prison, doing hard-earned time for murdering her, I felt some safety. But, I knew I could never forget the deed he had committed. As I drove the fifteen miles back to what was our home here in south Alabama, my eyes blotted with tears. I turned the radio and got a whiff of the past. Savage Garden's Truly Madly deeply. I had to pull over and sing hoarsely. I didn't make it home that day, I stayed at the Marriott Hotel. I remembered how the first time we had slept together, we had stayed at the Marriott. Room 177. The room I was in that night. I turned on the shower and sat on the toilet and let the steam take me back. Even with her prosthetic leg, which she had lost when she was in a car accident the third day I met her, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever encountered. We were only seventeen. I climbed into the shower fully clothed and let my tear mix with the hot water. water was running into my eyes and my blond hair was sticking to my skin. I placed my head against the shower wall and sobbed. I sank to my knees and prayed that I wouldn't die of grief. I slept in the shower stall, freezing cold water running down my back and dripping off of my chin. When it was probably three in the morning, someone opened the door to the shower and drug me out and laid me on the floor. I opened my eyes and whatever it was slapped me. "Sir!? Are you alive?" It asked. I nodded weakly. I glanced up. The male attendant helped me up and told me I needed to shut off the water. I asked him for a hand up. I turned off the water, and walked out of the room, leaving soggy prints. I got into my car and drove the rest of the way home. . . When I got home, my neighbor Mrs, Warzecha was wandering outside her fence. The poor woman had alzheimers disease. I lead her back into her yard and watched her gray head walk around the yard while she talked to invisible people. I walked into my yard, the wisteria bush was turning purple with blossoms. She had planted that tree. The day after we were married. I turned the key in the lock and my Boston Terrier puppy jumped up on my jeans. "Down Precious!" I said. Then, my face softened and I said, "Did you get a TREAT today?" Precious knew what that word meant. She jumped up again and again, until I reached over into the laundry room and plucked a doggy biscuit from the shelf. "catch!" I said trying to sound cheerful. She sat down, and I threw it behind her. she launched her pudgy puppy body into the air and caught it. I walked into the kitchen, and pulled open the fridge. The fridge was nearly bare and a pair of carrots were sitting in the crisper. SHE had put them there. I closed the door and looked out of the kitchen windows to my backyard. The trampoline stood unused. The tree house, which we had planned to give to our child. The tree house I had built with my own two hands, was soaked. I never finished it. I walked around my house, stopping in the hallway to pull down the attic stairs. I climbed over the insolation to the spot where we had put two doors over the crossbeams to make a place to sit or lay down. That was the spot where we had made our child. we had dragged candles,a stereo, and a sleeping bag up there and slept there. I sat on the doors and poked the pink fluffy fiberglass insulation with my pencil. I got up to go across the beams when I heard a knock on the door. "Who is it!?" I yelled hoping whoever it was could hear me through the ceiling. "It's me! Mary!" She yelled. I smirked. "Come on in! I'm in the attic!" I yelled. I heard the door open and close. She poked on the ceiling. "Hey!" I said. I made my way back over the beams and slipped. I fell through the ceiling. Mary looked over at me. She had on a green turtle neck with black jeans. "NIce landing." She said and offered a hand to help me up. I poured the hot water in the cups with the tea bags and the smell of peppermint filled the room. Mary smiled I smiled, a little. She commented on how I acted more like a girl than a man. I just scoffed and tried to keep my pinky down as I drank the peppermint tea. "I think I'm going insane,Mary. Everywhere I turn, there's always something there that reminds me of her. Hell, you remind me of her." I said. Mary looked deep into the Ella's rooster mug. "I don't remind you of Jessie. I don't look anything like her." She said. I shook my head. "I know. But, you are sweet like she was. You sometimes act like she did." I said. She nodded. "Yeah, well, don't forget, I've been living in this state for all my life, you've been living here for. . How old are you now?" "I'm thirty-seven." I said. "You've only been living here for seventeen years." Her blue eyes kind of sparkled when she talked about the place she was born. I didn't care much about where I came from. I was born into a life of luxury. High-tech toys, complex mind puzzles. My father thought I was some kind of child prodigy. My body guard, my wife's father, knew I was having trouble, and asked me what it was about. I told him, that as long as I was pampered, I would never learn to live on my own, I'd always have to depend on someone else, and I did not like that. So, I went to live with my grandfathers for a year, just to roughen me up, and I forgot all my computers, and how much my family had depended on them and learned to live. Jessie had come with me. She and I had had so much fun, just living day-to-day, not knowing whether or not we would see daylight the next day. That's when we decided that when we got married, we would move south, and get away from all the noise of word processors, and live where the most complex machine was a toaster oven. we had enjoyed living here, until my half-brother decided he would take the life of my wife. . . . Part two: I looked over at Mary and her friend Casedy. The two had been best friends ever since I could remember. "Hi Casedy." I said. She had stopped by to ask how I was doing, since I hadn't come home the previous night. "Hi Jonathan." She said in her tinkling voice. Her silvery blonde hair went in contrast with her mud brown eyes. Casedy was a secretary for Crooks and Price law attorney's. Two lawyer's offices were perched at the end of my street. One was Crooks and Price, the other was Anthony Livingston. The two were always fighting for supremacy. I walked into the library of my home and plucked something that Casedy had left here earlier off the shelf. I put the little bottle with brightly colored grains of sand next to her chair. Precious sniffed at it. "Hellfire and damnation! Fire and Brimstone!" Frenzie squawked. The raven had picked this little phrase up from Billy Graham; A TV evangelist I detest. Casedy lifted the solid black bird from her shoulder and put him on the floor. The puppy sniffed Frenzie before the bird promptly pecked her on the nose. Puppy(Which I sometimes call her) scampered away. I went to the stove to help myself to another cup of peppermint tea. "If you don't lay off of that stuff, you'll never have bad breath again." Mary said. I scoffed and looked at the toaster, it was scarred from being set on fire. Jessie had bought the toaster, not knowing that the settings one and six, were close together, and one day, she accidentally placed the dial on six, and the toaster caught on fire. I smiled. Something that I had always found hard to do. Mary gave smiles out like bubble gum. But only when they were needed. She gave them to me a lot lately. It had only been a matter of months since Jessie's death. JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~JQ~ I sat down in the glass cubical, with only a thin sheen of plastic keeping my murdering half-brother out of my grasp. He glared at ne from his chair. He had to be strapped in. His cheap Marlboro hanging from his snarling lips. I still love him as my brother, and I hold him in the highest regard, but he killed her. Killed the one I loved. He smelled of death. I asked him when they were going to take him off death row. "When hell freezes over. They're going to kill me. Ain't no way that damned judge is gonna give my a pardon." I frowned at his use of slang. He had always been able to speak so well. He plucked the cigarette out of his mouth with his cuffed hands. "those things are going to kill you." I said, He glared at me before speaking again. "I figured I'd better live it up while I can. Seeing's how they're gonna kill me in a month." I cracked a half-smile. "I bet you're happy. To tell you the truth, the reason I killed her was because I envied you. She was always paying attention to you. She married YOU. I had always loved her, but she never acknowledged I was alive. I barely got the chance to talk to her. You were always hogging her affection. So, I decided I'd get back at you. I killed her and proud of it." He stated matter-of-factly. I got up and walked out of the fiberglass cubic. Before I left however, I took my fist and rammed it into the plaster board wall. My hand went cleanly through. I thought about Hadji, admitting to enjoying Her death. I wa repulsed. I sat down in the farthest booth in Morrison's Cafeteria. The wiregrass common's mall was known for it's good food. I silently ate the mushroom soup and drank my espresso. I put my check and tip down and left. I walked past the software shop, and radio Shack. And went into Waldenbooks. I went straight towards the back of the store where comic books were sold. I scanned the shelves until Sonic The Hedgehog number 57 was i my view. I plucked it from the shelf and walked to the cashier. I was somewhat of a collector. I walked out, in my black shirt and jeans, my Timberlands clumping on the thinly carpeted floor. I walked to the parking lot, the cars were filing out of the parking lot. It was 11:40 at night. I piled into my Toyota Camry, started it up, and went from Dothan, to Daleville. I drove past the familiar sights of the small town. Daleville Inn sometimes doubled as a restaurant. Jessie and I would go there on Sundays after church. I drove past Quincy's and MacLinn's and Lee's steakhouse. I finally pulled into my street. Hall st. I coasted down the small il, then up past the row of bulky over decorated houses until I reached my own. I saw Mary sitting outside my house checking my mail like she normally does if I'm not home by four. I waved to er and she motioned for me to roll don my window. "There is a guy in there, I don't know who he is, but he scaled to fence and is inside your house." She said. I nodded and pulled into the driveway, with my lights off. . . . . I snuck into my home and got the flashlight from the laundry room. I went into the spare bedroom, which is right in front of he front door. Nothing. I went into the bathroom. Nothing. Precious was by my side, growling softly. I went quietly through the kitchen, and the man was sitting in my living room. Reading the paper, in darkness. "Hey! You! Get out of my house!" I yelled. The man didn't move. "I gave you freedom, and you tell me to leave?" He said. I dropped the flashlight on his eyes. They were cold steel gray. "Race!" I yelled happily. He dropped the paper. That's when I noticed the missing lower left leg. "Hey, what happened to your leg?" I asked turning on the lamp. He imitated a machine gun and pointed to his leg. "I thought they could prevent that." I said sitting in the opposite chair. He shook his head. "Oh. . " I said. Precious launched into a full-scale run-around where she would run around the table until she fainted. When Jessie was alive, we would hold bets on how long she could run without passing out. Jessie won every time. "I still managed to scale the fence though." Then he pointed to the hole in the ceiling where I had fallen through. "Oh, Mary was over here earlier, and I fell through the ceiling trying to get across the beams." Race leaned forward. "You were THAT eager to se her?" I gasped. "Surely you jest!" He shook his head. "No, and don't call me Shirley." I laughed feebly at the joke that I had loved for years. "God, kiddo, you THAT heartbroke?" I kind of shrugged, and someone knocked on the door. I went to open it. It was Mary. "Hey, come on in, I want you to meet someone." I said. She looked at me funny and said "You want me to meet the burglar?" I shook my head. We walked into the living room, and Race stood up. "I ca see your roots." He said. "Jesus!" she shrieked and jolted into the bathroom. She came back a moment later. "You can not! I just re-dyed it today!" Race chuckled. She glared at him and asked me who he was. "This is my old bodyguard, Race Bannon." I said. "Can't say I'm that pleased to see you." She said. Race scoffed. "Ok you two. . " I said. "What do you mean Old? I was re-assigned your sorry tail." Race said. "Re-assigned?" I asked. "Yeah, I-1 said, that since your brother's escaped I have to keep an eye on you." He explained. "Wait, I just saw him this afternoon." I said. "He's been broke out for three hours. Word has it, he's after you." Mary held up her hand. "Wait, you mean to tell me, his lunatic sibling is roaming the streets? I am outta here." she turned to leave. "No, You'd be safer here. I have to guard him, and that means also protecting anyone in his vicinity." Race said. Mary asked if she was allowed to get her toothbrush. "Only if Jonny and me come with you." he said. Together, we traipsed over to her home, to get the necessities she needed. We came back, and Precious jumped all over us. "Down girl!" I whispered. We went in the living room, and heard a door slam behind us. I looked back, and saw everyone was in the living room. Casedy came running inside the house. "There is some creep-o outside. He kept staring at me!" she whined. we all looked at Race. Race motioned for us to get down. But, before he could fire his pistol into the darkness of the hallway, we saw something glint in the small green light. It was Hadji's eyes. Red eyes, red like blood. since I had a blacklite nightlite in the hall way, his teeth shone an eerie greenish-white. and his skin shone purple. "Hadji, get out of here, I didn't do anything to you." I said. He raised his colt 45. and aimed it to our little group. "Hadji, no!" I said. "Shut up." He said. He bared his teeth. "Get twine. Bring it in here. Get it now!" He barked. "And you, drop your gun." He said to Race. I went into the kitchen and opened the drawer and got the requested item. I walked back into the living room. Hadji made me tie Casedy and Race together, then ordered me and Mary to stan back-to-back so he could tie us together. We sat in the now dark living room, Casedy wa crying a little. "He won't do anything to us, he doesn't have a reason." I said. "Are you nuts? He has every intention of killing one of us. You haven't studied the psyche(mind) of the criminal." I laughed a bitter laugh. "He's my brother for Christ's sake!" I yelled. "He's insane Jonathan." Race warned. Hadji sat on th ledge and looked us over. Finally, he got up and walked between Race and I. "Which one should I get rid of first? The blithering idiot or the other half of Jessie?" he asked himself. "You can go ahead and kill me. Then I can be with her." I said. Either he would kill me, or he would be blowing smoke. He clipped a silencer to the barrel of his gun. And pointed it at my skull. I braced myself for the impact of bullet against bone. He shot me in the leg instead. "Hey!"I yelled trying not to go delirious with pain, as my mind reeled against itself. He then turned to Casedy, who was praying and trying not to scream. Mary was taking this pretty well. 'Strong spirit' I thought as the dark fluid spilled from my lower leg. "I want you to suffer. You deserve it." I was stunned. what had I done to him? He continued to stare at Casedy. He reached down and stroked her cheek. She started crying more. I surged against my bonds, but every time I lashed out, the knots grew tighter. Suddenly Hadji jerked up and shot Casedy and killed her where she sat. As her dark red blood flowed from her ear and nose and mouth, and towards me, I finally broke free. Hadji and I struggled on the floor, he tried to shoot me again, meaning to kill me. He grazed my arm, and finally triad to brain me with the butt of the gun. Precious flew in from now where and launched into the battle. she tightened her grip on his throat and he gagged. I wrenched the gun from his grasp and sneered down my nose at him. If I allowed Precious to kill him, I would not be in the wrong. "Bye Hadji. I love you." It was my final words to him. Precious tightened her grip and he tried to yell. Finally, Hadji drew in his last breath. "I'm sorry. . . " He choked, and his dark eyes closed forever. . . . . . . Part 3: I'm wicked!!! A year after my brothers death, I began to notice things about Mary Rose that I hadn't before. Like, the way she sat when she was working on another of her stories. She kept to herself a little more, and sometimes would stay up late at night on th internet. She had her group of friends; Jennifer, Sarita, John, John was her best friend. They would talk for hours. And Melissa, and Jen number two, whose screen name was RaptorJnb. I also began to notice her facial features. Her smile grew wider every day, and her hair stayed the same radiant golden brown, not blonde like me, but not brown. I also noticed her eyes. They reflected her moods, when she was happy, they would turn clear blue, like mine. When she was upset or angry, they would turn gray. And when she was sad, they would turn lifeless neutral. No color, they just were. She nearly always came over to my home to talk about nothing,or everything, or to tell me something about a story idea. She was always writing stories. Almost all of her stories were based on the hit cartoon show, "Kenny Adventure" The boy kind of reminded me of myself when I was a child. We always had fun together, and I was getting farther away from the pain and misery of Jessie's death. Though on her birthday, we both would go to the cemetery and read her favorite book to her. "Whispers In Blindness." Jessie used to read me her favorite parts over and over again. BUt, one day we were at THE DINER on Daleville Ave. and she was fairly distant. "Hey, are you ok?" I asked sipping my cappucino. She snapped her head back and said, "uh, yeah. I guess. Jonathan, I've been thinking about our friendly relationship and-" "-Are you saying we shouldn't be friends anymore?" I asked glumly. "Oh no, in fact, I was going to tell you that I like you more than a friend." I lifted one of my eyebrows. "You mean we should try the couple thing and see how it works?" I asked hoping I was right. She smiled and laughed to fill in the empty space between us. "Yeah, I think we should." she said. We shook on it and walked the three blocks back to my home. When we got there, a group of people were standing out in front of my house. "Oh look, it's the bucket brigade." I said. She laughed. "Hey! Mdurall! It's us!" One with curly red hair yelled. "Sari! AHHHH!" Mary yelled, and broke away from me and hugged the stranger. Later, I learned that these were the people she knew from this place called that KAHR "Kenny Adventure Hopeless Romantics Chat room" These people were a bunch of Hopeless romantics, only their obsession had to do with Kenny Adventure and his chinese half-brother Que-Chong and his retarded father George Adventure and their caretaker, "Running Man" Jones and his daughter Nikki Jones. They reminded me of my family. Sarita and Jen stood around the table and lit the candles. Me and Mary were standing around the cake that was shaped like Kenny Adventure's head. It read "KAHR'S Forever" It was kind of a surprise 'Birthday party.' Mary had never told me her birthday, and we just kind of went with the flow. The only one who wasn't there was one of John's friends. Cat. John was standing closer to Jennifer than to Mary. And I had my arm hooked around Mary's shoulder. Both of us blew out the one candle and everyone screamed. When the lights were turned on, I was caught pressing my lips to Mary's cheek. "Happy Birthday." I whispered. . . . . Since Mary's surprise birthday party, she and I grew closer and closer. I learned that when she was small, her father deserted her, and when he tried to come back, she told him that no matter how much he said he'd changed, that she'd lost all trust and respect for him. She hadn't seen him since. Her mother had three more children after her, her sister Julia, whom she used to call B.J, her brother Stephen Randolph, and her smallest brother, Shane Thomas. I finally saw pictures of them, but I didn't know much about them. She was helping me mend my torn heart an mind; she would accompany me to my monthly sessions and talk with Dr. Handel with me. He said that in a matter of months, I might not need his services any longer. I smiled. Mary's friend Casedy was buried beside Jessie, an together, hand-in-hand, we would go visit them and talk to them as if they'd never left. We were helping each other and having fun for the first time in years. we went to Disney World, and saw the attractions. we went to the beach, and stayed for a week. We went everywhere together, and I grew more fond of her every day. One day, I asked her a question that would change her feelings toward me forever. "Do you ever want kids? I asked when we were sitting at our table at Quincy's. She looked at me, with tears glittering in her iceberg-colored eyes. "Waiter. Check please." I said. I paid and barley got Mary out before she broke down, and told me about what had happened to her. "I was fourteen. Too young I suppose, but, I got pregnant. The father was much older than me, but I got what I wanted from him. I had always wanted a tiny child, that would grow into a big adult. I thought myself to be the best mother I could be. I didn;t drink or smoke, and I danced regularly. But, I lost him when I was four months along. His name, if he had lived, was going to be Danny. I loved him. And he died. I guess I wasn't cut out to be a mother at that age. Come on, I have something to show you." She said to me. I could feel the pain behind every word, every tear. With each heart wrenching step she took into the attic of her home, I had to keep myself from crying. My nose was already burning. She dragged down an old blue suitcase with one of the latches broken. It was dusty and had the initials 'D.H.D' on the top. "They stand for Daniel Harlan Durall. I've never shown this to anyone. Not even my own mother. It's been up here for nearly twenty-two years." She handed down the suitcase, flat and I took it in my trembling hands. She sat it on the table and opened it's one good latch. Not a speck of dust settled on the tiny garments or teething ring. There were newborn-sized diapers lining the bottom, with one or two baby outfits on top , a small rattle toy, a bib and a small white bear. She lifted on of the outfits. She handed it to me. I took it with the most gentleness I could muster. "These things will never have a price tag on them. They'll never have a price. They mean more than life itself to me." She said. Her pink leg warmers brushed on the table legs and her purple sweat suit was heaving with her every breath. She carefully lifted each item for me to examine, then placed it back with all the grace of a swan. Tears were silently slipping down my cheeks now. I was feeling pain, but not for myself. For her. She was my life now, and she had one snatched away from her before it could be fully given. I cried for her pain she must have suffered, and still bearing the scars. She was crying also, but her tears were purifying. As an end to the pain and misery she had felt for so long. Now, the burden had been lifted from her shoulders and onto mine. I took it and held it aloft. As she closed the lid of the case I placed my arms around her. she huddled against me like a small girl in a thunderstorm. Then I bent down and carefully sipped the tears from her eyelashes, and kissed her. we were both looking for a way out of the labyrinth, and now we were free. Free from the chains of our past. I kissed her until she clung to me and her breath shuddered with another kind of feeling. She had opened her heart to me, and now I was giving mine to her. "I...love..you." She said. I looked into the cold blue depths of her eyes and 'shhh'ed her. Now was definitely not the time for words. I held her face in my palms and she wrapped her arms around my neck. The sky rumbled angrily outside of the window and we broke apart. I lifted her in my arms and carried her through the house and outside. If this was going to happen anywhere, I'd be damned if it didn't happen in someplace I knew all too well. . . **UNEDITED PART AVAILABLE** "The Puck is many thing but is never a liar" - Puck "Puck is many things but is never an uncouth housguest!" -- Also Puck ___________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com/getjuno.html or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ To unsubscribe from this mailing list, or to change your subscription to digest, go to the ONElist web site, at http://www.onelist.com and select the Member Center link from the menu bar on the left.